Short bursts of randomness send to Twitter
Supposedly America has no royalty. But SOMEONE out there thinks they’re too good to pick up dog poop, so…
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I’ve found the key to staying upbeat is to make long to-do lists filled with incredibly easy tasks! *write vapid tweet*.
Just took a bath. I’m a tub guy now.
Lions are the coolest big cats. Look at ‘em… lazing about… they don’t give a shit about anything! They should be smoking cigarettes!
I’d say the most difficult part of accepting who you are is accepting who you are NOT.
Today’s my lucky day! Just found $20 in a wallet just sitting in some guy’s back pocket!!!
These days, if I can’t share my opinion in 140 characters or less, I just change my opinion.
Everyone has a different definition for hipster. Usually, they just find a person with qualities they don’t like and say “That’s a hipster”.
Work used to be the most important thing in my life. Now, it’s the smile of child, who sees me beat up another child who was mean to them.
The design of Cupid is idiotic. The only thing a toddler with wings would be good at spreading is bird flu.
The advent of the smartphone vastly improved my life, in that it’s a lot easier for me to draw a phone now.
I decided not to vote, so hopefully “The Dad From Frasier” does not lose by 1 vote or I’ll feel like such an ass!!!
It’s surprising how frequently I need to break out more traditional drawing tools… pencils, ink, a belt of scotch, etc.
I’ve invented Google Minus, a social app where you systematically cut your ties to everyone in the world
Tomato pie feels like your going to have pizza except you don’t get pizza. It’s a trick. Just a mean trick.
Moving is a pain. Especially when you realize you need something, but you already packed it away. I have no idea which box Kim is in.
Walking through Chinatown, on trash day, in the summer, I experience a stench so exquisite that I find God, and KNOW he hates me.
Kim: “There’s half a f’ing cake in the recycling!” Then I realize she’s not mad someone ruined the recycling. She’s mad they wasted cake.
I’m a positive person, so I see this can of “Four Loko” as half-empty.
“Breaking Bad” has really opened my eyes to the dangers of bald people.
Someone released a Ken Burns sex tape. It’s 27 hours long.
Now to relax with a nice glass of wine and an hour or two of cutting!
I don’t take cold showers. Those are for psychopaths!!! I shower in the warm, sane, entrails of a ritually sacrificed goat.
When your job is idea-having, one moment you have nothing and the next you have everything.
Changing the Brita filter REALLY makes a difference. This glass of pepsi is completely clear!
Getting a GPS has been a real boon for my parents. Now they can argue SOLELY about driving technique.
Good advice to anyone about to shower: “Wash your butt and ears.”
I’m not much of a “car guy”. But I haven’t stopped talking about the new Passats since that one crashed into our house!
Some people don’t resort to toilet humor. Those people are called “winners”. Poop.
Money doesn’t change people. People change people. But the money DOES help convince them to assist you with your adult diapers.
Thanks to Netflix instant, I’ve fallen asleep to some of the most interesting documentaries I have ever sort of seen.
To experience what life was like for folks in the 40′s, I wore a zoot suit today. People sure called you a douchebag a lot back then!
Improve your ad click-thru rate by using this one ridiculously easy trick: Use the term “ridiculously easy trick”.
Now, I walk into a bar at 3pm, I feel comfortable. “It’s okay,” they think, “you don’t have to impress us. We’ve all failed today too!”
I hate cafes. I feel like I’m being judged. “Oh, what do you contribute to society that justifies you using the ONLY sofa here, newbie?”
I’ve decided to get breast implants. Six of them. So I can have CRAZY abs.
Oatmeal… raisins… even some flax seeds! Whoever’s vomit this is, they’re a really healthy eater!
I don’t want to be an actor. So I’ve avoided glamorous, high-profile acting jobs, like piloting crab boats or driving a truck on ice.
Taking a cue from our tv, the blender will run on low to indicate that it’s off. Cleaning it is going to be… tricky.
TWICE now autocorrect has tried to change a word into a women’s name while I text Kim. My phone is trying to sabotage my marriage!
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