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Supposedly America has no royalty. But SOMEONE out there thinks they’re too good to pick up dog poop, so…

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I’ve found the key to staying upbeat is to make long to-do lists filled with incredibly easy tasks! *write vapid tweet*.

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Just took a bath. I’m a tub guy now.

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Lions are the coolest big cats. Look at ‘em… lazing about… they don’t give a shit about anything! They should be smoking cigarettes!

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I’d say the most difficult part of accepting who you are is accepting who you are NOT.

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Today’s my lucky day! Just found $20 in a wallet just sitting in some guy’s back pocket!!!

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These days, if I can’t share my opinion in 140 characters or less, I just change my opinion.

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Everyone has a different definition for hipster. Usually, they just find a person with qualities they don’t like and say “That’s a hipster”.

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Work used to be the most important thing in my life. Now, it’s the smile of child, who sees me beat up another child who was mean to them.

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The design of Cupid is idiotic. The only thing a toddler with wings would be good at spreading is bird flu.

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The advent of the smartphone vastly improved my life, in that it’s a lot easier for me to draw a phone now.

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I decided not to vote, so hopefully “The Dad From Frasier” does not lose by 1 vote or I’ll feel like such an ass!!!

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It’s surprising how frequently I need to break out more traditional drawing tools… pencils, ink, a belt of scotch, etc.

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I’ve invented Google Minus, a social app where you systematically cut your ties to everyone in the world

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Tomato pie feels like your going to have pizza except you don’t get pizza. It’s a trick. Just a mean trick.

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Moving is a pain. Especially when you realize you need something, but you already packed it away. I have no idea which box Kim is in.

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Walking through Chinatown, on trash day, in the summer, I experience a stench so exquisite that I find God, and KNOW he hates me.

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Kim: “There’s half a f’ing cake in the recycling!” Then I realize she’s not mad someone ruined the recycling. She’s mad they wasted cake.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

I’m a positive person, so I see this can of “Four Loko” as half-empty.

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“Breaking Bad” has really opened my eyes to the dangers of bald people.

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Someone released a Ken Burns sex tape. It’s 27 hours long.

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Now to relax with a nice glass of wine and an hour or two of cutting!

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I don’t take cold showers. Those are for psychopaths!!! I shower in the warm, sane, entrails of a ritually sacrificed goat.

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When your job is idea-having, one moment you have nothing and the next you have everything.

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Changing the Brita filter REALLY makes a difference. This glass of pepsi is completely clear!

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Getting a GPS has been a real boon for my parents. Now they can argue SOLELY about driving technique.

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Good advice to anyone about to shower: “Wash your butt and ears.”

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I’m not much of a “car guy”. But I haven’t stopped talking about the new Passats since that one crashed into our house!

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Some people don’t resort to toilet humor. Those people are called “winners”. Poop.

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Money doesn’t change people. People change people. But the money DOES help convince them to assist you with your adult diapers.

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Thanks to Netflix instant, I’ve fallen asleep to some of the most interesting documentaries I have ever sort of seen.

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To experience what life was like for folks in the 40′s, I wore a zoot suit today. People sure called you a douchebag a lot back then!

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Improve your ad click-thru rate by using this one ridiculously easy trick: Use the term “ridiculously easy trick”.

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Now, I walk into a bar at 3pm, I feel comfortable. “It’s okay,” they think, “you don’t have to impress us. We’ve all failed today too!”

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I hate cafes. I feel like I’m being judged. “Oh, what do you contribute to society that justifies you using the ONLY sofa here, newbie?”

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I’ve decided to get breast implants. Six of them. So I can have CRAZY abs.

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Oatmeal… raisins… even some flax seeds! Whoever’s vomit this is, they’re a really healthy eater!

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I don’t want to be an actor. So I’ve avoided glamorous, high-profile acting jobs, like piloting crab boats or driving a truck on ice.

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Taking a cue from our tv, the blender will run on low to indicate that it’s off. Cleaning it is going to be… tricky.

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TWICE now autocorrect has tried to change a word into a women’s name while I text Kim. My phone is trying to sabotage my marriage!

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