Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Centuries ago, a doctor would have drained my blood, unlike the doctor of today, who is 100% focused on draining my optimism.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

I’d rather have a high IQ and be completely ignorant of it, than take an IQ test and risk definitively proving that I’m stupid.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Owning an exotic fish is a good conversation starter. People are always like, “What’s that in your pocket?”

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

I can’t get this song out of my head. I’m hoping I can get it out with pliers. They worked great on that nail.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

The heart doesn’t actually have “cockles”. When you play with kittens, the warmth you experience is just several crippling heart attacks.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

There’s a certain level of professionalism I expect from my doctor. I don’t feel comfortable with him cloning me, then charging two copays.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

I should skip Christmas again. Last year wasn’t so bad. Those first two spirits were kind of fun… it was that third one who was a dick.

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Say the water level rises to about my ankles because of a clogged drain. Does that mean my shower is now technically a bath?

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

I long for the days before the internet, when you could make up facts and a 1000 people couldn’t immediately call you on it.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Yesterday I threw out my back. So today, I’ll be throwing out my dreams of standing upright, and turning around to see things behind me.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Baking has changed since I was a kid. They’ve gotten really stingy with cookie dough. And it takes forever to dig it out of this ice cream.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Our largest state is Alaska, which is 3 football fields long. Well, Alaskan football fields. Which are approximately 1/3 the size of Alaska.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

I like living in an older house. All this lead paint ensures that Superman can’t watch me masturbate.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

I don’t care for the word “Ginormous”. If you’re going to make up a word, have it describe something we don’t already have fifty words for.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Humans are the only mammals to cry tears. We’re also the only mammal that seems to mind being kicked in the crotch. I see a correlation.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

See, there’s a very important distinction: An “ass” is a jerk by accident, but an “asshole” is a jerk on purpose. I try to just be an ass.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

It is possible for two different species to produce offspring. So, in theory, a muffin and a cupcake could have a child.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Fingernails on a chalkboard don’t bother me. It’s when I find them on my salad that I get skeeved out.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Which is the more effective prayer: a Hail Mary recited mechanically, or one spoken from the heart, requesting that the car behind me crash?

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

If I were rebuilt by the OSI, I’d rather they spent $5m on my bionics, and left the other $1m for my leisure. I can get by with one arm.

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