This is the Stream section, a flow of all the rubbish Kevin commits to the ether.
Centuries ago, a doctor would have drained my blood, unlike the doctor of today, who is 100% focused on draining my optimism.
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I’d rather have a high IQ and be completely ignorant of it, than take an IQ test and risk definitively proving that I’m stupid.
Owning an exotic fish is a good conversation starter. People are always like, “What’s that in your pocket?”
I can’t get this song out of my head. I’m hoping I can get it out with pliers. They worked great on that nail.
The heart doesn’t actually have “cockles”. When you play with kittens, the warmth you experience is just several crippling heart attacks.
There’s a certain level of professionalism I expect from my doctor. I don’t feel comfortable with him cloning me, then charging two copays.
I should skip Christmas again. Last year wasn’t so bad. Those first two spirits were kind of fun… it was that third one who was a dick.
Say the water level rises to about my ankles because of a clogged drain. Does that mean my shower is now technically a bath?
I long for the days before the internet, when you could make up facts and a 1000 people couldn’t immediately call you on it.
Yesterday I threw out my back. So today, I’ll be throwing out my dreams of standing upright, and turning around to see things behind me.
Baking has changed since I was a kid. They’ve gotten really stingy with cookie dough. And it takes forever to dig it out of this ice cream.
Our largest state is Alaska, which is 3 football fields long. Well, Alaskan football fields. Which are approximately 1/3 the size of Alaska.
I like living in an older house. All this lead paint ensures that Superman can’t watch me masturbate.
I don’t care for the word “Ginormous”. If you’re going to make up a word, have it describe something we don’t already have fifty words for.
Humans are the only mammals to cry tears. We’re also the only mammal that seems to mind being kicked in the crotch. I see a correlation.
See, there’s a very important distinction: An “ass” is a jerk by accident, but an “asshole” is a jerk on purpose. I try to just be an ass.
It is possible for two different species to produce offspring. So, in theory, a muffin and a cupcake could have a child.
Fingernails on a chalkboard don’t bother me. It’s when I find them on my salad that I get skeeved out.
Which is the more effective prayer: a Hail Mary recited mechanically, or one spoken from the heart, requesting that the car behind me crash?
If I were rebuilt by the OSI, I’d rather they spent $5m on my bionics, and left the other $1m for my leisure. I can get by with one arm.
Well… I made it to the funeral. I think I’m wearing a shirt and pants combo that doesn’t work. Everyone is crying.
…so I said, “NOT ALL POEMS NEED TO RHYME, YOU DUMB BITCH!!!”. Then security escorted me out. So now, I just use money to pay for things.
Midas turned everything he touched to gold. Except regular gold. Which just kinda made a buzzing sound, like when you’re wrong on Jeopardy.
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