This is the Stream section, a flow of all the rubbish Kevin commits to the ether.
Seeing a magician was cool and everything, but I really need my watch back. And the top half of my wife.
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You say potAto. I say poTAto. Then you punch me in the mouth. This is the worst Potato Festival I’ve ever attended.
The sun and I maintain our tentative armistice. I continue to not get tan, and it continues to not outright set my hair on fire.
I’ve learned I don’t need drugs or alcohol to have a fun time. Just good friends and the natural high of auto-erotic asphyxiation.
And lastly, comedy is zigging over and over and over until people are like “Man… I can’t believe he’s still zigging.”
Comedy also is zooping when everyone expects zigging and zagging.
Comedy is zigging when everyone expects zagging.
Just finished waxing my shiny new boat!!!! (I don’t have a boat. Just trying to make the car jealous. Play along).
Scientists say people with higher IQ’s tend to dream more. They also suggest that stupid people are “lame”, and “even suck at sleeping”.
I’d say that once you reach a point where you can pull a muscle while sneezing, you’re officially old.
OH: “Hey Paul, that guy over there is listening to our conversation… HOW ABOUT I TWEET YOUR FACE WITH MY FIST, BUDDY?” (punching sounds)
False alarm… that loud ticking sound was actually coming from a bomb on this TV show. Can I offer any of you officers a snack?
You sit up there on your high horse… so smug and superior. If I didn’t need your help getting my kite off the roof I’d so kick your ass.
I used to fantasize about my teachers a lot… like, Mr. Sagnella putting aside our differential calculus for some algebraic equations. Hot!
It took me like three hours to answer my neglected email this morning. I must have replied to that Cialis guy like 100 times!
Getting a dog has really improved my quality of life. Now HE is the one who has to sniff everyone’s butt.
I imagine it’s difficult to sculpt a fountain. Most of the models tend to drown.
I just called the dentist EXACTLY as they were calling me. Fate, I’d rather bank such piddly coincidences until they equal a lottery win.
One of the first things I do when I come home from shopping is try on my new purchases. This cantaloupe will make a great helmet.
Honking “hello” as I walk by your car is only slightly less annoying than if you wished me “happy birthday” by shoving my face into a cake.
Coffee time! Today I’m picking beans on the west side of the mountain. Just let me finish my parasite medicine and then I can start the day!
Every so often, rather than dipping it in the water jar, I mistakenly dunk my brush in my coffee.
I can’t remember whether I left the iron on this morning. And now I can’t check because the damn house is on fire.
Hippos are one of Africa’s most deadly mammals. If one shows up at your door, keep a cool head and give it every marble you own.
Last night I fell asleep on my arm and lost feeling all the way up to my shoulder. It’s the most dead I’ve ever been.
Just to cover my ass, I’ll give the keys to the dog. Then everyone will think it was HIM.
Funny… you’d think a man in pantyhose would be laughingstock, but no one has even cracked a smile. (sigh) EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR! NOW!
Cows have four stomachs, and Elephants have four knees. It’s like Mother Nature designed them to fight at recess.
“Scoundrel!” she hissed, “I should have you arrested!” To which I replied, “Madam, I was arrested the moment you stepped out of that cake.”
Looking to cut costs on that expensive dinner party? Take a tip from the pros: no need to prepare a second course if you poison the first.
I consider myself a philanthropist. I mean, when I was on Wheel of Fortune, I bought a round of vowels for my fellow contestants.
Dogs have only about a third of the hearing capabilities as Cats. This allows your cat to ignore you from much farther distances.
A man is defined not by his thoughts, but by his deeds. Although, in a pinch, the presence of a penis is usually a pretty big tell.
I need more friends. Then maybe I can finally get my pyramid scheme off the ground.
Being deaf can’t be all bad. At least you’d no longer have to pretend you can hear what people are saying when you talk to them at a bar.
I need to start considering consequences before I act. I mean, if I dug the hole first, I’d have a place to put the body.
I have no tolerance for your superior tone and prying questions, so I’m hanging up. Don’t count on me calling again, Poison Control Center.
The biggest threat to our freshwater supplies are rivers, which wastefully dump millions of gallons into the ocean every second.
There’s no use putting it off any longer. I’m going to have to revise my will, and specifically define which muppets get what.
An instrument is a great way to nurture a talented child. Simply wrap the baby in a warm blanket, and wedge them securely inside a tuba.
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