Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Seeing a magician was cool and everything, but I really need my watch back. And the top half of my wife.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

You say potAto. I say poTAto. Then you punch me in the mouth. This is the worst Potato Festival I’ve ever attended.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

The sun and I maintain our tentative armistice. I continue to not get tan, and it continues to not outright set my hair on fire.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

I’ve learned I don’t need drugs or alcohol to have a fun time. Just good friends and the natural high of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

And lastly, comedy is zigging over and over and over until people are like “Man… I can’t believe he’s still zigging.”

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Comedy also is zooping when everyone expects zigging and zagging.

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Comedy is zigging when everyone expects zagging.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Just finished waxing my shiny new boat!!!! (I don’t have a boat. Just trying to make the car jealous. Play along).

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Scientists say people with higher IQ’s tend to dream more. They also suggest that stupid people are “lame”, and “even suck at sleeping”.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

I’d say that once you reach a point where you can pull a muscle while sneezing, you’re officially old.

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OH: “Hey Paul, that guy over there is listening to our conversation… HOW ABOUT I TWEET YOUR FACE WITH MY FIST, BUDDY?” (punching sounds)

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False alarm… that loud ticking sound was actually coming from a bomb on this TV show. Can I offer any of you officers a snack?

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You sit up there on your high horse… so smug and superior. If I didn’t need your help getting my kite off the roof I’d so kick your ass.

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I used to fantasize about my teachers a lot… like, Mr. Sagnella putting aside our differential calculus for some algebraic equations. Hot!

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It took me like three hours to answer my neglected email this morning. I must have replied to that Cialis guy like 100 times!

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Getting a dog has really improved my quality of life. Now HE is the one who has to sniff everyone’s butt.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

I imagine it’s difficult to sculpt a fountain. Most of the models tend to drown.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

I just called the dentist EXACTLY as they were calling me. Fate, I’d rather bank such piddly coincidences until they equal a lottery win.

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One of the first things I do when I come home from shopping is try on my new purchases. This cantaloupe will make a great helmet.

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Honking “hello” as I walk by your car is only slightly less annoying than if you wished me “happy birthday” by shoving my face into a cake.

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Coffee time! Today I’m picking beans on the west side of the mountain. Just let me finish my parasite medicine and then I can start the day!

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Every so often, rather than dipping it in the water jar, I mistakenly dunk my brush in my coffee.

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I can’t remember whether I left the iron on this morning. And now I can’t check because the damn house is on fire.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

Hippos are one of Africa’s most deadly mammals. If one shows up at your door, keep a cool head and give it every marble you own.

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Last night I fell asleep on my arm and lost feeling all the way up to my shoulder. It’s the most dead I’ve ever been.

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Just to cover my ass, I’ll give the keys to the dog. Then everyone will think it was HIM.

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Funny… you’d think a man in pantyhose would be laughingstock, but no one has even cracked a smile. (sigh) EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR! NOW!

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Cows have four stomachs, and Elephants have four knees. It’s like Mother Nature designed them to fight at recess.

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“Scoundrel!” she hissed, “I should have you arrested!” To which I replied, “Madam, I was arrested the moment you stepped out of that cake.”

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Looking to cut costs on that expensive dinner party? Take a tip from the pros: no need to prepare a second course if you poison the first.

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I consider myself a philanthropist. I mean, when I was on Wheel of Fortune, I bought a round of vowels for my fellow contestants.

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Dogs have only about a third of the hearing capabilities as Cats. This allows your cat to ignore you from much farther distances.

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A man is defined not by his thoughts, but by his deeds. Although, in a pinch, the presence of a penis is usually a pretty big tell.

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I need more friends. Then maybe I can finally get my pyramid scheme off the ground.

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Being deaf can’t be all bad. At least you’d no longer have to pretend you can hear what people are saying when you talk to them at a bar.

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I need to start considering consequences before I act. I mean, if I dug the hole first, I’d have a place to put the body.

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I have no tolerance for your superior tone and prying questions, so I’m hanging up. Don’t count on me calling again, Poison Control Center.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

The biggest threat to our freshwater supplies are rivers, which wastefully dump millions of gallons into the ocean every second.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

There’s no use putting it off any longer. I’m going to have to revise my will, and specifically define which muppets get what.

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Posted on: by Bearskinrug

An instrument is a great way to nurture a talented child. Simply wrap the baby in a warm blanket, and wedge them securely inside a tuba.

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