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My buddy asked me to do a reading at his wedding. It’s a traditional Black Mass. I get to open the portal for Abezethibod!

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Just woke up from a refreshing nap! Now, to open my parachute.

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Kim says she’s having a good hair day. I’m having a good beard day.

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So… I shouldn’t hate junk mail because it keeps the Postal Service in business? Should I start fires to keep firefighters in business?

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I consider myself pretty disciplined. At the very least, I seem to get A LOT more spankings than my peers.

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I could care less if history remembers me or not. What’s important, is that it remembers my fantastic, rock-hard abs.

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You can’t create art in a vacuum. It’s too dusty.

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A note on that. Don’t fill it with hydrogen to cut costs. My settlement with what’s left of the Marsh High Glee Crew has offset any savings.

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Tax time! This year’s most outrageous deduction: the “Kevin Cornell” balloon from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

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Ernie turned 3 today. That’s 21 in human years. He doesn’t have to hide that bottle of schnapps in his crate anymore.

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The guy next to me is screaming his freaking head off without a care for the other passengers. Why is everyone on a roller coaster so rude?

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I think a raccoon got into the recycling. Beer bottles are strewn all over the yard. Lousy drunk.

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After a hard day of professional illustrating, I like to kick back on the couch, put my feet up, and have a nice refreshing cry.

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My sexuality is very errand-based. You know… like.. I become more attractive after I do the dishes, or return purchases for store credit.

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I like the idea that there are infinite parallel universes where every possible outcome exists. It means my every lie is true SOMEWHERE.

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The pool at the YMCA needs a cleaning. It looks like they hosted a field trip for a leper colony.

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This year already feels way different than last year! All it takes is a couple smart resolutions and the Witness Protection program!

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Can men have penis envy? Because I saw one on the internet that glows in the dark and I have to say I’m a little jealous.

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At first, the electric chair sounded great. Imagine, a chair that sits automatically! Hahaha! Ooops – the warden is giving me a dirty look.

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It’s exciting to finally have some actual snow! I’ve been using snow in a box. It burns my eyes, but it does a super job on the dishes.

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It’s not that I don’t like zoos… but if I wanted to watch an animal lounge around and relieve itself on a tree I’d look in the mirror.

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Humans have 206 bones, but Skeletons That Have Arisen From The Dead usually have 200. Those little ear bones are hard to keep track of.

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It’s so much easier to respect others than respect myself. I don’t have to see them naked.

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I figured out the problem with my garage door opener. This is not my house.

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I’m looking forward to the Rapture. It should really drive down housing prices for the rest of us.

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SAD: Thirty people trapped in a car. FUNNY: Thirty clowns trapped in a car.

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SAD: A pet falling out of a window. FUNNY: A clown falling out of a window. See? Clowns really ARE funny.

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When seen in profile, it’s clear that every Peanuts character is related, and should immediately end any romantic entanglements.

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Note to self: in the future, when re-clamping the bathroom dog gate after you shower, put on some pants. That was a close call.

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Uggh. I’m so fed up with this new car. I don’t even remember why I stole it in the first place.

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I’m glad I took Chicken in high school. It’s been much handier than French.

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I’ve also found the best way to avoid a cockfight is learning the phrase “just be cool, man…” in chicken.

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I’ve found the best way to avoid a fight is to actually never set foot IN a boxing ring.

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There are some homemade things that just can’t compare to the professionally-prepared version. Like crepes. Or a parachute.

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Patience is not in my dog’s vocabulary. Along with many other human words. Except “bark”. And “roof”.

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It’s interesting how fishnet can be so sexy on legs in the food service industry, yet so un-sexy on heads in the food service industry.

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I’ve found the best way to avoid a fight is to actually never set foot IN a boxing ring.

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I want the kind of name that allows me to say “You can’t possibly pronounce it in your tongue” when an alien asks it. Is “Kev” one of those?

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There’s nothing wrong with drinking a martini at 3 in the afternoon. Eating it… now THAT would be wrong.

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Uncle Reuben’s death is tragic, but I’m comforted knowing he’s gone to a better place. This funeral home is so sumptuously decorated!

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