This is the Stream section, a flow of all the rubbish Kevin commits to the ether.
My buddy asked me to do a reading at his wedding. It’s a traditional Black Mass. I get to open the portal for Abezethibod!
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Just woke up from a refreshing nap! Now, to open my parachute.
Kim says she’s having a good hair day. I’m having a good beard day.
So… I shouldn’t hate junk mail because it keeps the Postal Service in business? Should I start fires to keep firefighters in business?
I consider myself pretty disciplined. At the very least, I seem to get A LOT more spankings than my peers.
I could care less if history remembers me or not. What’s important, is that it remembers my fantastic, rock-hard abs.
You can’t create art in a vacuum. It’s too dusty.
A note on that. Don’t fill it with hydrogen to cut costs. My settlement with what’s left of the Marsh High Glee Crew has offset any savings.
Tax time! This year’s most outrageous deduction: the “Kevin Cornell” balloon from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Ernie turned 3 today. That’s 21 in human years. He doesn’t have to hide that bottle of schnapps in his crate anymore.
The guy next to me is screaming his freaking head off without a care for the other passengers. Why is everyone on a roller coaster so rude?
I think a raccoon got into the recycling. Beer bottles are strewn all over the yard. Lousy drunk.
After a hard day of professional illustrating, I like to kick back on the couch, put my feet up, and have a nice refreshing cry.
My sexuality is very errand-based. You know… like.. I become more attractive after I do the dishes, or return purchases for store credit.
I like the idea that there are infinite parallel universes where every possible outcome exists. It means my every lie is true SOMEWHERE.
The pool at the YMCA needs a cleaning. It looks like they hosted a field trip for a leper colony.
This year already feels way different than last year! All it takes is a couple smart resolutions and the Witness Protection program!
Can men have penis envy? Because I saw one on the internet that glows in the dark and I have to say I’m a little jealous.
At first, the electric chair sounded great. Imagine, a chair that sits automatically! Hahaha! Ooops – the warden is giving me a dirty look.
It’s exciting to finally have some actual snow! I’ve been using snow in a box. It burns my eyes, but it does a super job on the dishes.
It’s not that I don’t like zoos… but if I wanted to watch an animal lounge around and relieve itself on a tree I’d look in the mirror.
Humans have 206 bones, but Skeletons That Have Arisen From The Dead usually have 200. Those little ear bones are hard to keep track of.
It’s so much easier to respect others than respect myself. I don’t have to see them naked.
I figured out the problem with my garage door opener. This is not my house.
I’m looking forward to the Rapture. It should really drive down housing prices for the rest of us.
SAD: Thirty people trapped in a car. FUNNY: Thirty clowns trapped in a car.
SAD: A pet falling out of a window. FUNNY: A clown falling out of a window. See? Clowns really ARE funny.
When seen in profile, it’s clear that every Peanuts character is related, and should immediately end any romantic entanglements.
Note to self: in the future, when re-clamping the bathroom dog gate after you shower, put on some pants. That was a close call.
Uggh. I’m so fed up with this new car. I don’t even remember why I stole it in the first place.
I’m glad I took Chicken in high school. It’s been much handier than French.
I’ve also found the best way to avoid a cockfight is learning the phrase “just be cool, man…” in chicken.
I’ve found the best way to avoid a fight is to actually never set foot IN a boxing ring.
There are some homemade things that just can’t compare to the professionally-prepared version. Like crepes. Or a parachute.
Patience is not in my dog’s vocabulary. Along with many other human words. Except “bark”. And “roof”.
It’s interesting how fishnet can be so sexy on legs in the food service industry, yet so un-sexy on heads in the food service industry.
I want the kind of name that allows me to say “You can’t possibly pronounce it in your tongue” when an alien asks it. Is “Kev” one of those?
There’s nothing wrong with drinking a martini at 3 in the afternoon. Eating it… now THAT would be wrong.
Uncle Reuben’s death is tragic, but I’m comforted knowing he’s gone to a better place. This funeral home is so sumptuously decorated!
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