This is the Stream section, a flow of all the rubbish Kevin commits to the ether.
Our shredder destroys important papers so quickly and efficiently. It’s really inspirational for the dog.
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There’s no greater proof that mankind will destroy itself with technology, than our use of it to make movies where babies and animals talk.
I believe I’ve been wrongly imprisoned. I should be in here for public nudity, not public drunkenness.
That construction guy didn’t have to hit me. My keys fell down the grate! “Can I use your manhole?” was a perfectly legitimate question!
…And then I just backed up over it a couple times with my car. Again, if you missed me saying it before, I found Bigfoot.
This meatloaf is like a fine wine. In that I made it with my feet.
I don’t want to end up in a retirement home. I just bought these tires.
Drinking IS nice, but surely the point of visiting a bar is to hear the staff play their iPod playlists as loud as possible, right?
Mount St. Helens is still volatile, eh? Well, I’d be volatile too if scientists explored my every crevice.
“I’m thinking of buying my own jumbo jet. You know, those big metal birds you shake your crudely-hewn wooden club at?”
“I can’t tell which is thicker… your skull or my lustrous new wall-to-wall stain-resistant carpeting.”
The best insults simultaneously make you look good, and your target look bad. Observe: “I forgive you for sleeping with my livestock.”
I’m changing my name to Steven Edward Arthur Ray Smith so that all my clothing is suddenly monogrammed.
You should never run with scissors. Run with a chainsaw. That’s much more intimidating.
Not all of life’s mysteries are worth answering. My world is no brighter even after finding out whether I could endure Bengay on my scrotum.
“Eye for an Eye” justice is a flawed legal concept. For one thing, it gives spiders the upper hand.
Evolutionarily speaking, lobsters are closely related to bugs. So no wonder there’s so many splattered on the windshield of my speedboat.
Ugh. Just walked into a web outside. Now I’m part of this spider’s stupid in-house project, without a job outline or even a creative brief.
I’m not looking forward to the future. According to the movies, everything emits an annoying, monotonous beep.
If you told me 10 years ago I’d be raising Thoroughbreds for racing contests… no way. But if you said EATING contests… nice job, friend.
It was just a normal, everyday handshake. Suddenly, out of nowhere, thumb war was declared. Now my hand wakes up every night, screaming.
I think I’d like to take up an extreme sport. I can’t decide between heavy smoking or heavy drinking.
I’ve had a change of heart – no more fur coats. From now on, the only skin I’ll be wearing will have come from a glass of overheated milk.
When I first meet a person, I repeat their name in my head so the next time I see them I’ll know who it is I’m too scared to talk to.
As I enter my early 30′s, I’ve started to drink a lot more soda, to stunt any further growth.
I don’t know why everyone was whining about the census. I faced more invasive questions applying to the Burger King Kid’s Club.
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